2009.... glad to see you go

I dunno what to say about this year, I mean on so many levels it sucked, and continued to suck right up until now. I was lucky enough to get a wonderful christmas gift from my employer of 13 years as I was part of a reduction in workforce a week before the 25th. I was in shock, but now I think if a company can do that to someone, and not just me, that close to Christmas, then I don't think I need to be there anymore. Funny thing is Tami called it, she told me that if anything happens to her that I should get out of there... I can her her saying "told you so, didn't I". So I look towards 2010 to hopefully bigger and better things.

Dont get me wrong, there have been small moments of okayness in '09, but all the badness seems out weight all of it. I just have to point my nose forward towards 2010 and hope for smoother sailing. I wont forget things in the past that I have been through, but I think its my turn to have a little positive come about. I know I have to work hard to make it happen, and I will... but I need my luck to change to... enough of this "if it can go wrong it will", time to move forward on many fronts.

I have things to look forward to, personal projects, new and old friends coming into my life, a new job... I am moving forward... I will come out of this okay, 2010 will be my year or I will die trying ;)

See you all next year! :) Happy New Year..... gawd I hope so...

The holidays... they suck rocks

I love Christmas, love love love it, I know people bitch about the costs, the busy stores, the cold weather, etc, but I love it... I love putting up lights, the tree decorations, making cookies with the kids, all of it. But this year its a little tougher, the Christmas movies with the sappy moments are impossible for me to watch right now, I can only do a little bit at a time, its hard to dress up the house for me a couple dogs and a cat.

I think I have pushed myself pretty hard to move forward, and its all rushing back on me now. I think I stepped places I wasn't ready to step yet, but I am always pushing myself harder than I should, putting higher expectations up for myself than I do others. I am trying to pull the reins in a little and focus on myself, something I am not good at, its tough cuz I dont think everyone gets that, I mean get the token "I lost someone too, I know what its like" but really I dont know how it is for them, they dont know how it is for me.

Thanksgiving went well, better than I expected, I managed to make Tami's stuffing, it was a little too moist and over seasoned, but I saw people go back for seconds, whether they were pitty seconds I dont know, I doubt it though. Everything went well though. I had a good time, I think the kids did as well. I got to hold 2 babies at once while everyone else ate, 2 babies that Nana never got to old, and I feel horribly guilty about that... and I hope nobody saw my eyes get a little juicy, I moved alot so I dont think anyone noticed...

I started Christmas shopping, each year it seems we gain more grandbabies, and each year money is spread a little thinner, this year doubly so, I'm not complaining, besides the fact I would like to buy everyone everything they want, but I am thinking I will have to be pretty skimpy, I know its not the amount you buy or spend, but I always like watching the kids open up presents, and the more they have to open the longer they stay at the house...

I still dont know how I am gonna make it thru the next couple months, sometimes I feel like I am having trouble breathing, I can feel myself stressed beyond belief, I stop communicating mid conversation just cuz I ball up on the couch, and they get mad at me, but there is nothing I can do, I gotta do what I gotta do or I wont make it through Christmas Eve alone... New years Eve alone, I have to, I have to do this year alone so maybe next year I can do them with someone...

PS, if you noticed you have to log in to leave a comment now, sorry but someone was hitting older posts with spam so I had to do it.